The Thin Line Between Love and Hate
by radakue
Summary: A song fic to the Three Days Grace Song "I Hate Everything About You". Rath's POV. At the end of the 13th Dragon Knights Book. (RathCesia) Complete.


Every time we lie awake  
  
After every hit we take  
  
Every feeling that I get  
  
But I haven't missed you yet  
  
She was gone. I had gone to sleep with her sitting by my side but when I had awoken... She's left me. She's such a liar. She wasn't going to keep her promise. No one ever does. I don't know why I had thought this time it would be different. I had even thought that.... No it was all a lie, who would ever trust a monster like me any way? A demon like her? No. ...God, this is so stupid.  
  
Every roommate kept awake  
  
By every sigh and scream we make  
  
All the feelings that I get  
  
But I still don't miss you yet Only when I stop to think about it....  
  
What the hell was she thinking?! Why couldn't she just stay with me? She left me alone, in a castle of dying memories, dying people, dying because of me...Of my weakness... Heh heh heh... In a way it's almost funny. Well, that's what I get for trusting someone. Trust... Can something so unattainable really exist? I had thought...I had held hope for the first time, but now she's gone. Rune... Thatz... I know that they accept me. I know now, that they had all along. It means so much to me, but at the same time...The one that had been...  
  
I hate everything about you  
  
Why do I love you?  
  
I hate everything about you  
  
Why do I love you?  
  
I must go after her. I must save her. And fast. Ruwalk wouldn't let me see Lord Lykouleon. This worries me, he must have not recovered yet, thanks to me. It was my fault. Nadil was able to use my body to be reborn. If I had been a little stronger... Maybe I could have... I wanted to apologize to him. I wanted to apologize to the whole kingdom, it was my fault that they all had been attacked by demons, my fault the barrier had fallen, It was I who had infiltrated it.  
  
I should kill myself... It would be the least I could do...  
  
I can hear her voice screaming in my ears, she would hate me if I tried to kill myself again. I couldn't care less if all of Dusis hated me, but the thought of her hating me.... It made my stomach turn.  
  
Every time we lie awake  
  
After every hit we take  
  
Every feeling that I get  
  
But I haven't missed you yet  
  
Only when I stop to think about it....  
  
I can't sleep. How could I? After all I've done... I only live because of others deaths! I do nothing but cause pain! What is this... this feeling...I can't take it... I never wanted this! These emotions... I wish..... I had never had them! These people, the Dragon Clan, they gave me this heart...they taught me happiness and love, but in the end all I learned was sorrow and pain. They had been deceiving me all along, they knew what I really was. They were just using me! So why...do I feel... It doesn't make sense, I'm a demon! Monsters don't feel pain! Why do I only feel loyalty towards them?  
  
It had all come out on that night, the one when I had been brought back to life. She was there when I woke up, I had woken up. I didn't believe it. I could still feel the rough grip of the sword and the tight resistance, the blood gushing out of him the look of terror on his face. ...Alfeegi... I... I remembered the way Rune watched me from the corner of his eyes when I talked to him, the look on his eyes when I unleashed Varawoo, the look of being betrayed by a friend and how it had pierced through me, the way Lord Lykouleon still tried to save him... I could still feel my own blade, the Dragon Lord's former sword, the way its razor sharp edge slit my neck. I had longed to do that myself, but in that instant, I know that I couldn't think straight but I swear that I knew I didn't want to die, not without helping them in some way. I felt the ice cold metal slowly wedge it's way through my neck, chilling my blood as is spilled down onto my shirt, the blood ran down the blade's grooves covering my hands in it. The pain had been unbearable, the gaping hole in my neck slowly expanding and the nausea in my gut. The world went pitch black and I just woke up. Her worried face above my own. It wasn't right. I.. I should have stayed dead! Why did she bring me back..? Kai-Stern. Kai-Stern...That bastard...He broke his promise...He took the easy way out. He died! Another one dead on my account! How many dies that make! How many more will die?! I cried. I cried. Me, of all, well demons. Why? Why then, in front of her? I didn't even know how to cry. How many deserved my tears that would never appear? I thought I had cried for Illuser, Crewger, Alfeegi, and Kai-Stern...so many...I see now I was only crying for myself. She then told me what I needed to hear, that she was there for me, no matter what. I slept. The first and only time, I had slept soundly, expecting to wake up with her still by my side. Cesia...  
  
I hate everything about you  
  
Why do I love you? I hate everything about you  
  
Why do I love you?  
  
I can't help but wonder about her. I can't take sitting here and doing nothing. It's true that I can tolerate the dragon castle much more now, and if she was here, if it was back to normal, I might not want to leave. But...She is gone, the corpse count rises every passing hour, and the castle is in shambles. I can't take it. It was all my fault after all. The guilt is slowly suffocating me. I can't breathe. I went to Rune and Thatz, but we're still here. We can't get to Nadil's castle. We can't do anything. I'm so helpless. Useless. I act like it's okay, and I can hide my restlessness, but it's eating me away inside. Is there anything that can alleviate this gnawing pain inside me?! All I can do to hold on to sanity is hope. I visit Deus's grave daily. I spend hours just sitting there, surrounded in his presence. I think of all who have died for me. Of Kai-Stern...Of her. I pray that she is all right. If she dies...I can't bear to think of it. I see her when I close my eyes, I can't take my mind off her. If I died now would it make the pain any less? I know it is impossible for me to die with Thatz and Rune around, but that thought keeps reemerging, and I can't help but wonder. I think about her again and I decide that I should stay alive a little while longer, just to see her again. To apologize. To say good-bye. I know it's greedy, but I...... I haven't slept in days. I can only worry about her. I wonder if she is thinking about me...  
  
Only when I stop to think about you.... I know Only when you stop to think about me, do you know....  
  
I can't take it anymore. I saw Zoma today, but I couldn't face him. I ran back to my room before he could see me. What could I say to him? What must he think? He must hate me. I am the reason that his Cesia is gone. His? Yea, she's more his than mine. He was always there for her in every way he could. He loves her, even if it's only as a child would love his mother or big sister. Even so... I must look terrible. Everyone tries to hide it but I can see worry etched on their faces. Damnit, just what I need, more people suffering because of me. Can't I do anything right?! I have to try, to act normal. But how can I even consider that?! I am not normal! Nothing is normal! It's not okay! How can they all keep up the presence of being normal?! Can they not see the death that surrounds them?! Kai-Stern died for me! I killed Alfeegi! Crewger...I'm in Crewger's body! I'm a monster! A demon! I'll betray you all! I did it once! Why am I still living?! It's not right! Rune, Thatz, the Dragon Castle, the Dragon Lord, Zoma, Cesia-They're all in danger because of me! They should kill me, they're in danger with me here. No one ever told me I would feel like this. I have to do something. I have to distract myself somehow. I'll go insane unless I make a move. I can feel the familiar restlessness of wanting to escape the castle from when I was a boy.  
  
I am loosing it. I can't think, let alone walk, straight. Fire mopes around all day, I'm rubbing off on him. He stays by my side, however, something which is invaluable to me. Rune and Thatz follow me a lot as well. I can tell that they're only concerned but it is getting on my nerves none the less. It's not those two I want to follow me. I haven't eaten in so long that Cernozura thinks I'm mourning and has stopped bringing me food altogether. I asked her not to tell and she has kept silent, I don't need them more concerned. My mind is not my own. All I see is her. All I can hear is her voice. What she told me the last night I had seen her. What she had said to me... "If you feel lonely just call my name..." You Liar. I had screamed her name out in the dark many nights, when everyone was asleep. Not a damn thing happened. She lied to me. I feel so empty. I am hollow inside. I think a good strong wind would blow me away. It's so cold here. Where is she? Why isn't she back yet? Why can't I see her? Why can't I touch her, why can't I hold her. I wish she was here. If she was I'm sure that Lord Lykouleon would feel better. The demons would go away. Then there wouldn't be so many dead bodies on my account. I wish she was here. If—no, when I get her back, I swear I will never let her go again.  
  
I hate everything about you  
  
Why do I love you? You hate everything about me Why do you love me? I hate  
  
You hate  
  
I hate You love me I hate everything about you  
  
Why do I love you? 


End file.
